The Impossible Question

Several times I’ve hinted at this question, I’ve even cheekily asked it a few times, but never once have I really expected an answer. I’ve always felt that it is something that’s unfair to ask. The question is “how do you think you’d fair in my circumstance? How would you feel?” Whoops, okay that’s two questions.

Still, this angle in my writing and my thinking too, it’s something that I’ve always shied away from. I guess I believe it is something that’s way too speculative, or maybe I thought this could be too confronting for some people. I dunno. But yeah, I’ve always thought of this as the impossible question.

Anyway, as a bit of a side note, I’ve been struggling with the ol’ mentals lately and as such I’ve been seeking out help down a number of different avenues. Yah, I’m still  bewildered by the whole acceptance thing, also troubled and tormented by the amount of hurt that I have in my heart, amongst other things.

I’m not going to get into this sob story though, instead, I had somebody ask me a very thought-provoking question recently. They asked how I thought most people would react being given my circumstance? How do I think they’d be coping or dealing with it? Okay, that’s two again.

I’ll give you my instant response in a sec (which I do still believe to be pretty spot on) but can I just first say that I’ve been thinking about this all bloody day. Nope, nothing tests you quite like a life threatening health challenge yo, particularly if it’s a progressive disease one, because it’s you versus you. And there is no-one to blame. It’s just this never-ending shitfight with no winners, or at least this has been my experience. Also, if your health challenge happens to involve physical degeneration and a loss of movement, prepare to be humbled massively and lose most of your dignity. This is reality.

Oh that’s right my instant response, I said, ”they’d be a fucking mess.” And you know, I totally stand by this, I reckon easily more than 90 percent of people would be a screamin’ fucking mess – especially if the timeframe we’re talking about is similar to my own. Which, totally, I’m sure there’d be a couple of exceptions (these crazy-ass stubborn-ass pricks), but overall, not many people in my circumstance are winning (whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally). It’s sad.

But yo… this isn’t building up to one big excuse to why I’m so fucked in the head (because truly, I am fucked in the head these days) but rather to the contrary. Funnily enough, this realisation that a lot of people would probably be struggling in my circumstance, it gave me some peace and helped me to understand myself that little bit more, in fact, it helped me to see that I am fairing okay overall – in this somewhat intense and extreme boomshakalaka.

I mean, sure, I have heaps of broken bits – just as I’m sure most other people would have being faced with the same circumstance.

I mean, sure, I have this horrendous ache and hatred in my heart – just as I’m sure most other people would have being faced with the same circumstance.

And that’s kinda the thing, I’ve always had these unrealistic expectations that I could “fix” these things, and only then could I find peace and accept. Woop, there’s that scary word again, “acceptance.” And because I thought I had to supposedly fix these things first, or at least find some sort of comfort in stuff like my broken heart, this frustrated the hell out of me. I mean, c’mon I’m not Jesus or Buddha, or some sort of Profit; I’m simply some average dude. So, when I couldn’t get the hurt and pain associated with my situation to go away, which had compounded over two decades, when it finally reached the surface I became this big unruly mess. This total freaking clown show – which then manifested into all this self-hatred and self-sabotage. I get it, I can now see why I’ve turned out like this. And you know, I feel total compassion for myself about it, to a point I might even consider using the word “warranted.”

My illness, it’s ruined my life. Actually, even more than that, it’s a daily struggle and a test, and one that is extremely cruel at that.

It’s like I’m playing an extended version of the horror movie Saw.

And… here’s our full circle moment, here we find ourselves at the impossible question(s) again. How do you think you’d fair in my circumstance? How would you feel? Like, dare I say it but nobody is taught to have this sort of emotional fortitude. There is no text book or manual either, I’m totally swimming in the swamp, and this is like some next level sewage. Geez, you might even find a Ninja Turtle?? Actually, to put a little bit of a perspective spin on all this, I was absolutely gobsmacked and shocked by all the people who struggled with the COVID lockdowns. Get some resilience guys. But yeah, yeah, I get this too; work, money, food on table, everybody has their own journey and level of tolerance, blah, blah.

Maybe I just wish that was the level of drama I was at, yeah, at a manageable and sane level. Also, I wouldn’t feel so alone, like such a pioneer, plus, people could probably relate to me better – because far out this is so isolating.

Whoa, this is turning out to be way longer than I expected. So, to summarise a little, yeah I’m in this war I probably won’t win, doing some good things sure but boy I stuff up quite a bit too, yet I suppose this is expected.  War is messy. But the part that I really want to bring up again and hone in on, it’s these “broken parts” (mostly mentally and emotionally) that I doubt I’ll ever be able to get over or fix. Or, who knows maybe I will in time? But in this moment, it’s looking pretty damn unlikely that this will ever happen, so, what I’ve realised is that coexisting is a place where I might need to reside for a while.

Hearing this word recently, “coexisting,” I dunno but I got this tingle in my chest. It’s like this concept, it felt like finding that puzzle piece that had fallen on the floor; you know the little bugger that had been hiding behind the leg of the table for ever. And that feeling of relief, multiply it by a bazillion.

Yeah, I can’t overstate the importance of this coexisting stuff, the beautiful panoramic of the Swiss Alps might be starting to come together ay!?

Urrgh. Ugly. Yup, I know I got carried away with the cliché puzzle metaphor, however, I feel like this is comparable with everybody’s life. To a point, we’re all just trying to find peace and balance within all our competing parts. And for me specifically, in my struggles, I let my sad and disappointed parts outweigh the voice of reason. In fact, it’s like some parts are trying to punish me for being this dumpster fire.

But another puzzle piece that I’ve discovered recently, this one is labelled “self-respect.”

Slowly improving.

So, conflicted, completely, that’s me… but still, all things considered, I’m fairing okay in the face of incredible adversity. Yet, anger, warranted, blah, blah whatever. The thing that’s really starting to crystalise for me these days, far out, talk about someone who’s “chosen life.” Dayum, I’m the public transport inspector guy, sometimes out of nowhere, I keep on showing up.

Yup, SHOWING UP. I don’t know if there is an answer to the impossible question, but if you do find yourself in one of these shit shows by chance, I’ll tell you right now my big secret (and hidden superpower) that will at least make you a contender…

Be the man in the arena. Be the woman in the arena.

Nutbush city limits.