Capacity

I have a lot on my plate, but I’ve had this feeling lately, it’s not enough. Like sure considering my life circumstance, I’m naturally forced to juggle things such as health maintenance and stress, then there’s lots of disaster prevention (with staffing, haha) and stock control, but all this stuff it’s about survival. There’s not much fun or thriving.

It is hard though, finding a balance and doing more things for myself. I mean, there are limitations, also my health and safety needs to be prioritised over everything else. But honestly, I think I could be doing a much better job here. Huh, maybe it’s not even so much about fun, rather, it’s about filling my cup. Self-actualisation. Potato salad.

And this is why I bring up my plate, I believe there’s so much more room for “me” on it. Room to do things that I enjoy and that are meaningful to me; which I know I have the capacity for this. In fact, I love juggling doing millions of things at once, it’s kinda in my DNA, though doing this does often result in burnout. So, as this is something that I’m acutely aware of these days, I really have started to pace myself and take planned rest breaks. But still, damn I love going hard.

Also, when I’m busy, I have way less tendency to do dumb shit (because, no kidding, this is another one of my default settings). Boys will be boys – or so they say?

Anyhow, how do I fill my cup? There is room to work on this more, and I guess that’s what I’m starting to do.

Now, there’s a few things I’ve been starting already, for instance something I’ve been enjoying lately has been making these little videos which read out aloud some of my early blogs. and I’m putting captions on them too. Then, another thing I haven’t really mentioned much and that I’ve been enjoying doing, I’ve been loving decorating my apartment and turning it into a home. Filling it with nik-naks, filling it with my taste in furniture (I’ve actually discovered that I’m a big fan of Eames stuff), I’ve been filling it with “me.” And, what’s cool is that I’m as good as finished, the house is chockers now. So, I’m happy, I just feel that being comfortable in your environment is paramount. I know exactly how it feels to be uneasy in your space.

If anything, I think I’d like just a few more cookbooks, French cookbooks. I freaking love the process of cooking, like it’s a real passion that lights me up (and fills my cup); sheez I could’ve so easily been a chef. OMG, I could’ve and would’ve been the fattest bastard ever. Sch-weet. Still, why I mention this cooking thing, this is something that I want to start doing for fun again. Also, I have this real keen interest in Parisian gastrostomy that I’d love to explore. Ohh, fancy wanky words, haha.

“But what does fun look like?”  Yeah, this is what someone in my life has been asking me every second day lately, and with good reason too I suppose. You see, he’s trying to get me thinking, he wants to see me thriving. Which, sure I have been thinking about fun, and sure I have started watching basketball games again, however what I’m discovering is that my concept of fun is nothing like what I originally thought. Or, maybe better put, it’s nothing like what society taught me.

Like, OMG so naively, I used to believe that fun could only consist of sitting on a beach somewhere, parties, or doing something in the realm of sports. Stuff like that. Yet, what I’ve been discovering is that work is fun too. In fact, working on my projects, it’s this satisfying blend of fun, joy, purpose, service and meaning; much more like a hearty meal. Er, or, maybe I’m old? Dunno.

But these days, the roast and veges seems to be much more appealing than a sugary snack. Or, I dunno, maybe a blend is best, only for me and my circumstance the hearty meal is just way more accessible. This is what’s most on offer. Probably a good thing.

So, while making videos, interior design, cooking (Parisian gastrostomy, huh), even watching basketball all seem to have their places in my life; what I’m really trying to get at is that these will not be enough to keep me busy or operating anywhere near my capacity. Even with all my health stuff and running this household, it’s just not enough. Henceforth, like what I’ve been discovering about myself lately (and I’m sure many people know this better than me as they’ve witnessed it countless times first hand) but I’m absolutely obsessed with pushing myself to the limits and growing. I love knowing what I’m capable of and seeing how far I can go. It’s who I am, another thing that’s in my DNA. When I’m busy, this is when I’m happiest.

This is why I’m starting…

Nah, I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

Time for my hearty meal, then rest, then sleep, haha.

Smell ya later.