PERSPECTIVES AND REFLECTIONS RANT
As part of my newly founded advice column ‘Adversity Answers’, well, hopefully I’ve been telling people what they need to hear. Only now and what I’m doing here today, now it’s time to say what I need to hear. Yeah I thought in-between every 10 or so questions I might chuck in a real time present day rant about my own shit show. I mean writing this sort of thing in the style I’m about to, this is how I work through stuff, this is what keeps me sane.
So expect this type of thing from time to time (as part of the advice column). And, hopefully it will give more perspectives on adversity, as hey, this is what a lot of my brain-space and life is consumed by – overcoming adversity.
Also, these ‘perspectives and reflections rants’ won’t necessarily be in a Q&A format, mush rather I’m defo going for a blog or essay style. I just love writing these short and snappy pieces.
Anyways, here’s some of the stuff that’s been on my mind of late…
NO MORE EXCUSES
So I’m living an extremely weird life, I think this is pretty obvious. Like I deal with massive conundrums and hardships on an hourly basis, even life-threatening ones, and they are constant with no end in sight. This is just my life and I somehow cope with it. I also have every reason to be angry about it but I’m not (I am disappointed though).
But in saying this, truthfully, I think a lot of people ‘get it’, yet in this it also provides for the best ever ‘get out of jail free’ card. It’s like I have the ultimate excuse to get out of anything and everything, and to go further with this there’s also this invisible social expectation that I will just give up (and this is seemingly okay). My mountain is too great.
Personally though, I do and have always held a completely different line with all this. I’ve always run my own race and haven’t given a fuck about this social expectation. Or I haven’t let disability swallow up my dreams. I’ve climbed the fucking mountain.
However, shit you’ve gotta hate a ‘however’, over my 18 year disability career for the last two or so I have let the excuses start to seep in. Life just got so hard, complicated and overwhelming (especially emotionally) and I couldn’t cope. Nah, actually I chose not to cope. I think I finally got sick of being punched in the face.
So I made some really bad choices, put up with mediocre, didn’t pursue a few things that I should have (especially wholeheartedly), but I also think this was something I had to go through. This process made me realise a lot about myself and clarify some of the areas that I want to invest my time into moving forward in the future. For example writing and psychology.
But to reflect a little more on all this (before hopefully saying something positive lol), gees some of these realisations I was trying to work through were damn harsh. Like I am so damaged it’s almost incomprehensible.
I have real problems, and ones that are completely fucked up and inescapable. And I have to own this. For instance, I’ll probably never walk again (or eat or breathe unassisted or talk properly), I’ll never have a wife and family, and in many ways I’m resigned to this shit life. So all I can do is try to make something out of the crumbs and cope as best I can. For me life is all about juggling concessions.
Regardless, as has become bleedingly obvious over the years, in-between all the concessions and bullshit there is space for some good stuff too. And despite the fact that this ‘good stuff’ does have to conform into a disability friendly zone, I need to be thankful (and focus on the fact) that this stuff is still possible. Like that I can still bake a cake from the crumbs. It’s just my cake will look a lot different to a life that many of you live and know (and possibly take fore-granted?), and to be honest it’ll be nothing like I’d ever imagined for myself either. It’ll look like a cake made by a 6 year old, all messy and warped.
But hey to get a bit more focused and back on track here, I need to at least start by putting the ingredients into the bowl. Haha okay I’ve stretched this cake metaphor way way too far now, so enough. What I really want to say here though, and to say it as clearly as possible, I’m already at a disadvantage in life so I need to stop self-sabotaging, start making careful choices and only put the right stuff in(or do the right thing). It’s just stupid to do anything else, especially if I want to create a decent life (with meaning).
One life hey.
Only I have been blowing it. As I did say earlier, I have been starting to let the excuses seep in, holding back et cetera. Life and the hardships did get too much, plus I felt a lot of rejection because of a search for romantic love. But I’ve now wallowed enough and it’s time to rock on and own this shit show now.
Actually on a similar yet slightly different note, I really do think that writing my blog (diary) throughout the whole Covid lockdown thing helped with my head. Like once and for all I got to name and work through my pains, and as I did it publicly so I don’t feel like I’m hiding anything anymore. The disaster was and has been set free. My life just is what it is and I think people can see this now, as I can.
I’m very much a chip packet in the breeze.
Still, I can’t let this entirely take over, I do need to remember this ‘one life’ thing and live out some of my dreams and goals. Yep, so get after it son…
So this is exactly where I’m at… no more holding back, no more excuses, no more conforming to social expectation, I’m GETTING AFTER IT. Just watch me. Which on this note, fuck I’m about to start writing a lot and as such I’ll subsequently be posting a lot too. You see I have a story to tell, and for me personally it’s very important to tell it, so that’s what I’m going to do. To act and live out this ‘dream’ as best I can while I can. Plus I’ve got some other stuff going on too (which I’m sure you’ll find out about in time), but for now this is the only priority that I’m going to mention. Future ‘reflections rants’ will contain more.
Anyways, as strange as this is going to sound, to achieve the things that I’m now setting out to achieve (and with the work-ethic it will require) man it’s going to take a massive effort, focus and balls. So I’m looking to approach this like an athlete, haha okay maybe not like an athlete but I have been studying them for ideas. I mean the work-ethic and drive of most professional athletes is absolutely incredible. Plus, I’ve been looking at some army guys for ideas and inspiration too – and mainly relating to discipline. Gees, like these guys are so next level and make me feel so soft.
Putting inspiration aside though, the reality is that I really want my life to mean something, and I also don’t want all this suffering to be for nothing. Hence, it’s time to put my crumbs together and create. In now lies the opportunity, tomorrow might be too late.
So it’s time, as I said, time to stand up and believe in me. To take the hits, work like fuck, and hopefully I’ll find something beautiful on the other side.
Which as a writer, damn I know I should really be finishing up on that nice succinct poignant not, but sorry right brain I still have a few more things to say. You see, this won’t be my ultimate challenge (creating and being productive again) but it will be a challenge. Yet more on point, I definitely will have to reinvent myself (life). To piss off the excuses and see what lies beneath – this time. See, I really have become a pile of shit over the past 2 years, and honestly, well I don’t really like this person. No wonder nobody wants to date me.
But blah, yup, this is where it’s all at – I have to do heaps more work on myself – it’s just something I can’t escape. Especially as I refuse to play my ‘get out of jail free’ cards. In fact, I very much hold myself to the same standards as any able-bodied human being, it’s just what I do. Only for me to reach these d=standards, damn it takes a lot more effort and work. But I can do it and I’m definitely capable of it. I’m a one man wrecking crew lol.
So, to now finally finish up on (sheesh bloody long rant), I’m making the clear choice here today to get up and not give up. I have a reason to live, meaning to chase. I have drive, and not just fleeting motivation. Also, as an added bonus I now have this rant to help hold myself accountable too. Seriously, no more excuses and mediocre. And sure it may take some time, I’m sure I will fall countless times, but as long as I keep moving forward I’ll be happy.
I welcome the quiet, I welcome when it’s just me against me
For I am getting after my dreams.