QuadBlog Ep. 10

A couple of episodes back I rambled a bit about my bucket list and said I’d write a part two, so here it is. Actually out of all the blogs I’ve written so far it’s one of the ones I’ve thought about the most. And what brought that on (as in that blog I was talking about how I should give these experiences to other more deserving people), well the next day someone said me in person ‘yeah but your time is valuable too’. Gotta love a good ‘yeah but’.

Anyways this kinda debunked my whole theory, and made me think a lot about how I feel about my own self-worth, which admittedly has been sliding over the past few years. In fact, I think this is something that a lot of people with a disability struggle with, and I know with me in particular, I guess I feel like certain parts of life aren’t available to me like love, friendships, even walking etc. Hence, this has weighed on me significantly.

And I think with my bucket list, as awesome as it was, maybe I (over time) became uncomfortable doing all these amazing things. I thought that this was something that shouldn’t be available to me. Especially as everyone was praising me for it, when in reality my life was so crap I’d probably need another 5000 words here to describe it. Or, in a weird round-about way, it’s very much like that Marianne Williamson quote, ‘our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’.

Nevertheless, through that one simple statement ‘my time is valuable too’, I think it’s somehow given me some strength – and not only with regards to my bucket list but for a few other things as well. Now I just need to get a handle on the powerful beyond measure bit lol – and shit I really need to start watching Marianne’s lectures again, she truly is one extraordinary lady.

But to get back on track, maybe I’m just over-thinking the whole bucket list thing!? I mean it’s not rocket science, you just tick things off a to-do list and have fun doing it, so ‘yeah but’ maybe it was all the praise that ended up getting to me. And the availability or entitlement thing. Also, the knowing that I had something so special in my life when I was confused about so many other things. OMG I am rambling massively, sorry.

Still, I think the bottom-line is that I need to stop making excuses and have another crack. So, when this lockdown thing finishes get off ma fat ass and follow some dreams. No harm in it. No harm in having all these experiences. Even if I’m not as successful or as lucky as what I have been in the past, at least it’s a great deal better than what I have been doing and that’s feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been way more focused on what I can’t do rather than what I can do.

And I certainly can do stupid silly adventures.