Knock, knock… who’s there?
Nah sorry mate wrong door.
What… not funny? Well, you know it wasn’t meant to be funny, more so this is a pretty accurate portrayal of how I’ve been feeling for the last few years. Something I’m absolutely trying to improve on these days. Actually, happiness is quickly becoming my number one life agenda. Which, now I’ll pose the question (to you) that has haunted me for the past little bit, ‘so… how do you really find happiness in all this?’ Or, as equally important, ‘how do you find peace in all this?’
Now, I don’t think I need to catalogue my whole life situation here (I think you’re all pretty much up to speed), but still let it be said that I have real problems. I’m not whinging about a football grand final being played in another state or only being able to talk to friends over the phone or FaceTime, or even having to socially-distance at the beach. Honestly, I’d love to have any of these ‘problems’. My problems sound a bit more like: trying to stay alive, not losing my mind in this crushing life of loneliness and disaster, and most importantly, working out how I can actually make all my pain mean something, so it’s not all for nothing.
Yes, I’m probably a very different person to you in what I have to deal with every day. For example, I absolutely struggle to have people in my life who aren’t being paid to be ‘here’. And if they weren’t being paid, I often wonder if they’d be ‘here’ or talk to me at all. Oh no I’m in tangent town again… sorry. Rather, I merely wanted to point out that my dad is the only ‘un-paid’ constant in my life (who I see for a few hours, or for half hour atm, three times a week), otherwise I live in a pretty empty world.
But to get back on track, in searching for the elusive esoteric grails of happiness and peace, well sadly I’m starting to realise that these are probably things that I’ll only ever be able to experience from time to time – never on a regular basis. Yes, I’ve just got too much other crap to deal with. Or to put it another way, for the rest of my life I’ll probably be a constant work-in-progress, or I’ll be constantly working on myself. But weirdly, in this I also find peace and happiness. Damn, I’m confused – haha I bet you’re not doing much better.
Anyhow, in my deep and crippling hangover of the last few days, I realised that I’m going to be very much alone for the rest of my life (like I will never find love and friendships are bloody hard work for me – as my medical hoopla always gets in the way, oh and my inability to speak). So all I really have (and will ever have) is my mind, my writing, my dreams and ambitions. Haha, as I’ve said before I’m just a head. Hence why I love study so much. And don’t be sad, it is what it is, at least I’ve got that.
But again to ‘toss the boss’ a little here, I think I’ve also made it pretty clear (or so I think) that I love life and living. Particularly, human beings fascinate me – their drivers. And from my little segregated ‘alone’ little corner of the earth, far far away from any community or social life (social standing), what I’ve finally realised is that the only way I can feel close to any of these things is by studying the human experience. Nope, I can’t get the practical but I can access the theoretical. Not ideal, but hey at least it’s something. Actually I think this is why I might’ve got so much out of that life coaching course I did a few years back, it re-familiarised myself with the human experience. And that made me feel alive.
So now to lift the lid on one of my big decisions over the weekend, well apart from studying writing and marketing (re-commencing next year, actually on November 9th – because I love them). Luckily I’m still enrolled at the 2nd university where I’ve just decided to switch courses (and not blow off the whole thing as I planned to do a few months back), so I’m also going to go back but this time start studying psychology. I just need it for my mentals, I need it to feel alive. Only with it I’m not going to push myself at all, heck I might even only do one subject per semester for a while, this will be a lengthy ‘personal development’ process. And one that I started the ball rolling on yesterday (via Aunty Jay) ❤
Also, this is not about becoming a psychologist at all, this is for me and me alone. Nevertheless, it sure would be nice to have the skills to help my angry neighbour da few doors down who is absolutely hating life because of her injury.
Oh and hey this completely irrelevant line just came to mind, so fuck it I’m just going to write it down anyways – I can’t offer normal. I offer deep and memorable.