Wow. Just wow. It’s like we need a theme song or something… which of course will be Metallica’s Ride the Lightning. Still, it really is hard to believe that I’ve made it this far. I’ve written over 80,000 words over the past 6 months, and all with a sensor on my head, and haha completely losing any left-over dignity along the way.
Nah, I think I’ve faired okay, I don’t think I’ve fallen in total disgrace. Like in my musings, I always wanted to be honest objective and real, transparent and raw, plus I never tried to hide anything – so it was a bit of a gamble initially which thankfully paid off (!?). See, from my internal perspective, I wanted to work through my problems in a public forum (for me – and with reason), so there would’ve been little use in bullshitting hey.
And one of the reasons I did want to do this so publicly, I wanted to allow people to get to know me that little bit better, as well as to get to know the dirty realities of what I’m going through. Which, in particular, I’d hope that now if somebody did happen to bump into me on the street they wouldn’t be too scared (?) to come up and say hi – because I really am just an average friendly wanker Joe. And to go further with this, I’d also hope that people might make similar efforts for (or toward) other persons living with a disability, yup you might be pleasantly surprised by what you find.
‘Guilty as charged, but damn it, it ain’t right…’
Anyways… gees this ‘diary’ has meant a lot to me – hence I am sad that it’s finishing but I’m also looking forward to my next chapter. I mean like this ‘diary’ has not only helped me to work through my problems, to ‘come out of the closet’ in many ways, but above all, I think these ramblings is what’s kept me sane through ‘my’ hard Covid lockdown. Like I’ve still to this day barely left my bedroom in 6 months. So, all this writing, it’s given me routine, purpose, and oh my thankfully something to do. Without it I’d probably have bitten off my lips.
With that said though, as I now won’t have this crutch to rely on, let’s hope that the Covid climate continues to change (for the better, as it has been here of late here in Melbourne) and life can return to some sort of normality. Otherwise, dare I say it, (if I continued to be locked in my bedroom) my writing would quickly turn from rambling into whinging – but I’m optimistic.
But to hop, skip and jump it back to my whole process of writing, or specifically something I dubbed the ‘blog counselling’ journey in the beginning, I guess a number of people would be wondering ‘so how are you feeling now?’ Well… short of writing another 80,000 words on the topic, I’d say I’m doing much better. Especially in terms of clarity, focus, prioritising (knowing where I’m headed and why), and finally that big fat purple bastard Grimace feels like he’s off my shoulders. Yeah I feel so much lighter and I’m even experiencing a little bit of peace from time to time. Actually, through this process, it’s like I got to know myself even better.
Only sadly, it’s not all up and up, you see I am still stuck in many ways. Every day I do still have to do the disability dance, things (and people) will continue doing intimate things to my body, and my heart is scarred as it has still been completely smashed to smithereens. But I’m learning to live with it all, and I still live in hope that one day my sunshine won’t be blocked.
Still, I think my life situation was summed up perfectly yesterday (in Episode 99, Part 2) when I said ‘I’m definitely not happy but does that mean my life has no meaning?’ Which man, this one line, and shockingly so late in the game, gees this provided for a massive internal shift. Because true happiness (love, freedom, etc), these things will probably always elude me, yet what I have and do bring is something just as important. I bring the dip, just not the crackers.
Mmmm spicy beetroot… I’m definitely not caviar lol.
Okay, I’m rambling ‘tremendously’ again – but I suppose you’re used to that by now haha – still, this blog really is the finale for a while. I need some of my privacy back now, and also, I no longer feel the need to shove my stinky ass train-wreck situation in your face any longer.
I feel like I’ve said everything that I’ve wanted to say (again for a while), and I really have put and left it all hanging out there for you guys.
I have no regrets.
In fact, I am quite proud of the way that I so bravely shared my shattered world. I just hope (that beyond all of my own personal healing – through this) that some other people ‘GOT IT’ and that my ramblings created some sort of understanding. Truly, this would be my greatest personal reward.
‘… burning in my brain, I can feel the flame’
What’s more, truly I want to THANK EVERYONE who took the time to read any of my episodes (even just one), because honestly your ‘participation’ meant and means the world to me. Especially as nowadays, written words have become my only true voice. Also, for all the comments, feedback and love I received, I again THANK YOU ALL DEARLY. Some of the encouragement and support was truly astonishing, and moving, and some days it lifted me right up.
And I know it may or may not seem like much, but hey truthfully this was a pretty special part of my ‘blog counselling’ journey. Allowing you in, giving you my truth. Yep human connection (even through a simple comment or private message) helped me heaps – I mean fuck this solitary confinement shit. So, THANK YOU all, THANK YOU, every single bit of interaction meant masses. You guys be da awesome!
Man, far out, what an intense all-consuming journey this has been, it’s all just starting to sink in now (through writing this). Actually, I’m sure the next few weeks will shine heaps more light on it all, and just how lucky I’ve been and am. Yes finally I can breathe and reflect. Like all of this writing has taken a hell’va lot of effort and emotional ding-dong you know!?
‘… time moving slowly, the minutes seem like hours’
Anyhow… I am done, spent, kaput. This has been one massive physical (nah more mental) exercise. You see, writing for me takes massive concentration and persistence – or most probably more than others – but shit I do still love it. Haha and maybe it’s time for a holiday… well at least a little one before starting any future exploits.
Damn, actually, now that I think about it I’m starting back at uni in 8 days (of course doing the Covid online classes thing). Then I’m also planning to start that life/adversity advice column shortly, plus I really need to get back on track with the doctor’s regarding further testing re a conclusive diagnosis.
But way more exciting than any of this, hopefully within the next few months I’ll be moving into my very own apartment (with my own 24/7 care team). Crazy exciting. In fact, I’m waiting for the final ‘go ahead’ as we speak, and as soon as that happens 5th gear baby. Organisational shit, transitional shit, staff training will be coming out my ears. Oh and I almost forgot, next year I’ll be studying psychology as well (my dream course). Bang, bang. Now just to find a girlfriend – lolol as if!!
So yup, still, as you can see life keeps on keeping on. And after my ‘blog counselling’ and out-letting journey, I am totally ready for it. I’m ready for the next steps, got bells on yo! And in addition to all this, I’ve already noticed that I’m starting to think and act differently, way more in tune with purpose and self-rule, and I’m not just taking hits and copping them. Like I’m way more proactive now, maybe because I know where I’m headed (and the reasoning behind it) and I’m genuinely thrilled about it.
I swear I’m destined for big things. And not in a big-headed way, it just is.
And even though on the exterior I am nothing, you see, fortunately on the interior I am everything.
Next, umm yep that pretty much sums me up, my ‘blog counselling’ journey up too, and for any readers of all this nonsense, that’s probably the sentiment that I’d like people to take-away the most. My interior is everything. Well along with… human life is sacred and every day should be cherished, plus, there’s so many other people out there in a private hell (give them some thought), and to be thankful for what you have… because we’re all lucky in our own ways, yes even me.
‘… if this is true, just let it be’
So heavens to Murgatroyd there you have it…
I am not perfect, I am not privileged, I’m a little bit good looking lol (and a little bit delusional lol), but I have been gifted with the art of words. And all I’ve ever been trying to do, through all of my ramblings and shortfalls, is to somehow make adversity okay. And I have no doubt that one day I will.
Thanks for listening.