Hm, yup here we go again, old ranty pants. Gummy bears, Phoebe Bridgers, Mooloolabah, heat packs – yer a couple of random things churning over in my head at the moment. But get used to it or maybe this serves as a warning, like what you’re hear will be the inner most workings of my mind, and my life too I suppose. Scary as hell.
But why am I here again? Am I actually that crazy? Probably. Only, yeah maybe I have a few reasons which will come out over the coming days, but primarily it’s because I re-read some of my writing (which trust me is a very rare thing) and it utterly disturbed me. It doesn’t always do this, actually I often think “gees that’s some pretty epic bullshit, can’t believe people read this crap” but these two pieces cut really deep.
One was a recent social media post, it read:
“Hey… so I’m going to have a break from writing on Facebook for a while, well at least about my present day realities. My life has reached a point of ugliness that, um, look I don’t want to spread the negativity nor am I all that comfortable to share it. I’m mentally broken, physically broken and emotionally broken, and yeah people don’t need to hear about that shit.
I’ve decided to keep writing and sharing my short stories though, purely because it’s just about the only joy I have in life, everything else is hell. Fuck I hope things shift but dunno!? Sorry.”
What I take from this though, I see defeat and the fact that I’m hiding. Which, admittedly both are true to a point. The past year or so has just been bloody hard, in fact in many ways the past five years have been bloody hard. It’s been a massive downward spiral which bottomed out about six months ago. I’m not sure if I should say this or not but certain events completely broke me. I’m only human.
Anyhow, that’s all stuff I’ll get to another day too. What I really want to focus on right now is this hiding thing, and I think it came about because I finally reached a point where I couldn’t cope. This is a tough gig.
Hiding from it though (or specifically hiding from other people), honestly this is just not my natural state. I love people and shooting the shit, plus this actually energises me, so why am I avoiding this? Dunno, maybe because of selfhated, maybe because of shame, maybe even because it’s all too hard? Well, one thing’s for sure, I definitely need to explore all this more. Oh man sometimes I wish all I had to contend with was a mind-numbing nine-to-five job.
Nevertheless, to answer part of my original question (why am I here writing again?), well for me this is hopefully one of the first steps toward coming out of my hidey hole. Still, there’s quite a bit to all this, like stuff that I could no way cover here today. But hopefully I will get around to unpacking some of this, which I’m sure I will. For nnow though, can I just say, huck darn even coming out with all this today is a massive step. I’m stoked.
Oh yeah I almost forgot (sorry, I was getting a little too carried away with the hiding thing) but the other piece of writing was an essay justifying why I’ll never be happy. Oh and I make a pretty good case for it too. Only far out man what a stupid thing to write! I mean, apart from being some sort of cry for help, this stunk of defeat. I was almost a bit ashamed to read it. But again one of the things this highlighted for me, damn I’ve been in a bad headspace. I’ve been locked in a bedroom with very little human interaction, I’ve been very alone, and bugger me this wears on your mentals.
COFFEEEE!! Yep, a staff member just went out to get fancy coffee and she’s back now, so I’m going to go and burn my guts now. Still, I hope all this made some sort of sense. Like I’m in a shitty predicament, the outcome looks like it won’t be any good, yet I’m still here fighting and trying to keep my head above water. And why? Well, despite all my hardships I do still love life, deeply, and in whatever form it may come I just want mine back.
Much love, Mark