Ep. 3

“So grotesque, it was so bizarre”, yeah here I am trying to squeeze in some writing between watching proceedings in the Johnny Deep v. Amber Turd defamation trial. Fascinating, surprisingly entertaining, addictive, but gees I also feel bad for them both. So much dirty laundry being brought out, so publicly, bloody hell. I even still can’t believe its being broadcasted live – people are sick. And admittedly maybe I’m sick for watching it?

Still, what I’m wanting to do here is to use this example as a Segway to today’s topic, failure. Only I’m not referring to a failed marriage or even career (which are some of the themes from this court case), what I’m going to be talking about here is a failed life. Whoa.

Now, yes I am talking about myself here, yet I don’t think I am a complete failure. I really have tried to make the most of what I’ve got and I believe I’ve done that quite successfully. However, especially nowadays, I don’t have a lot to work with. My health has pushed me into a corner whereby I can’t even enjoy some of the simplest things. For instance, there was a rare sneaker convention being held over the weekend that I really wanted to go to but my body wasn’t up to it.

This brings me back to the topic of failure though (which is honestly something that I’d love to avoid) but the evidence just mounts and mounts. Which, I’m not going to give specific examples here, rather what I’m going to do is throw around a few words relating to areas where I believe I’m lacking. Freedom, health, wealth, career, romantic love, friendships, sporting activity, etcetera.

But here I am again almost justifying my un happiness. I wish I could focus on the positives more but I just don’t have all that many, or at least I can’t see them. Well, okay I see the odd one only they always seem to fade very quickly.

Actually, I watched the Mila Kunis movie Four Good Days recently, the one where she plays a drug addict trying to come off heroin. Anyhow, one line from this film struck me and it has played over in my mind countless times since I heard it. Referring to her addiction, Mila says something that she wakes up every day telling herself that she’s not going to get high but obviously does, then this is followed by “I fail every single day.” Well, while in a slightly different context, but yeah this is how I also feel every single day.

I wake up… I want to cook breakfast, have a shower, kiss my wife, hug my kids, drive to work. Instead though, I have nothing. Instead, I now just spend most of my days wondering how I ended up here, then often waiting for a staff member to perform the “bare minimums.”

It’s so shit, over the years I have tried so hard but now I’m left wondering for what end?

But bringing this back to the whole curt case thing (which is exposing some pretty monumental failings), with no outcome yet, still it’s looking like Miss Heard is a bit nuts (I’m looking forward to her taking the stand to hear her side of the story). Still, a staff member this morning said “I hope she gets the help she needs.” My heart sank when I heard this. Instantly I thought yes I agree, but I also thought I was I could get the help that I need.

I mean, sure, over the years I’ve had a lot of help, even to this day I receive a lot in terms of disability support. And sure this is what I need to live day to day but it’s certainly now what I want. I was common humans experiences such as touch and laughter, community and equality, things that I believe I have failed terribly at. In particular in regards to any sort of consistency.

But why am I writing this? Am I justifying again? Well, actually no. In actual fact, what I’m trying to point out here is the things I’d love to flip. In my eyes anyway, I don’t want to see myself as a failure (which as a big part I currently do). So, what I guess I’m talking about here are changes I’d love to make only I don’t know how possible any of this is? I’d love to hear some ideas if you have some.

Or maybe I just wish I was as rich as Johnny Depp so that I could pay somebody to come and cuddle me for an hour or so every day, hm then again as soon as you pay someone (especially for affection) it loses authenticity. It’s like having sex with a rubber vagina – or at least this is what I assume, haha I’m no expert.

And to continue on with my crude metaphor, my life is full of rubber vaginas. Hence, I lack the authenticity I so crave. Well, as long as authenticity doesn’t include a “grumpy” on my side of the bed, haha.